I need to go out on one hell massive rant ...
rest peacefully Pink calculator.... ( or piecefully as it be) ... I shall miss you dearly.
Wrong place... wrong time.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
05.11.08 I want nothing more than to fuck with your head
YARGH MOTHER FUCKER....
THIS SHIT IS DOING MY HEAD IN... I NEED TO BE AROUND PEOPLE... AND YET I HATE PEOPLE...
I WANT TO GO OUT, PICK UP A RANDOM AND FUCK WITH THEIR HEAD!!! FUCK ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN THE WHOLE 'LOVE' BULLSHIT...... I BELIVE IN MAKING SOMEONE WANT YOU AND TOYING WITH THEIR MIND!!!!
HELL IT'S SELF VALIDATING.
FUCK YOU, YOU DUMB PRICK. I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!
THIS SHIT IS DOING MY HEAD IN... I NEED TO BE AROUND PEOPLE... AND YET I HATE PEOPLE...
I WANT TO GO OUT, PICK UP A RANDOM AND FUCK WITH THEIR HEAD!!! FUCK ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN THE WHOLE 'LOVE' BULLSHIT...... I BELIVE IN MAKING SOMEONE WANT YOU AND TOYING WITH THEIR MIND!!!!
HELL IT'S SELF VALIDATING.
FUCK YOU, YOU DUMB PRICK. I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
26.10.08 What hurts more??
Again.... I can't do it. So many opportunities, so many chances.. and I still can't do it. I'd rather not attempt, than attempt and possibly disappoint. I want him to think I am capable, and just didn't have the time... and not that I am afraid of letting him down.
I would ask them for help, but they don't understand it, and I don't want *him* to know I am still trying.. after *he* told me not to.
I can't win this one... regardless of what i do... *he* wins.
If I don't do it.... *he* wins... *he* got his way again.
If I do do it.. *he* will tell me it's because *he* told me not too and *he* knew I would try to prove *him* wrong in his theory.
If I do .. and I fail... *he* wins again... *he* was right all along.
I made a promise, to a man that I adore... that I would let nothing get in the way, especially *him*, but now I have let us both down ... ..... ....... ....... ....... ....... Im Sorry!!
I would ask them for help, but they don't understand it, and I don't want *him* to know I am still trying.. after *he* told me not to.
I can't win this one... regardless of what i do... *he* wins.
If I don't do it.... *he* wins... *he* got his way again.
If I do do it.. *he* will tell me it's because *he* told me not too and *he* knew I would try to prove *him* wrong in his theory.
If I do .. and I fail... *he* wins again... *he* was right all along.
I made a promise, to a man that I adore... that I would let nothing get in the way, especially *him*, but now I have let us both down ... ..... ....... ....... ....... ....... Im Sorry!!
Monday, October 20, 2008
20.10.08 My Shallow Hell
I have spoken to a new friend of mine every work day for the past 2 months. I look forward to his calls and emails... they are a distraction from the the monotonous personalities I am too familiar with. It's not that I don't like the people... It's just that I know them... I'm not surprised by them anymore.. I can pre-empt the conversation. I don't necessarily dismiss those people... but I sure as hell don't make the effort ... what is the point... catching up with people should be pleasant... something you look forward to .... not a chore.
This afternoon he finally mentioned something a little deeper than our usual Banter... and I appreciate it. Not just the fact that he *did* finally mention something with a little substance... but because it was the complete opposite to myself... which opened up my mind a little more.
It surprised me .... for an outgoing and popular kind of guy... he is rather dependant of others. Suggested he could not live alone. It really made me think. Only a week ago I was thinking about the conversation I would have with someone who thought that. I thought If i just explained how good it is to live on your own, independently and rediscover your own personality and passions, that they would instantly see how easy it is. But my shallow mind really doesn't see any possitive in living with others... Maybe I am afraid of living with people, in the same way that he is afraid to live on his own. Its a comfort to him..... not necessarily having to be with the person all of the time... but just being there... if he did want to talk etc. I find it stressful. I feel I have to pretend to be someone.. I can't just be me. Its draining... really draining. And so I shut off and hide away from people. They can't see the darker side of me... the angry, agressive, unstable and confused me, what would they really think? Every now and then they will see a little slice of anger or frustration.. but its usally hidden again as quickly as it is found. Even when I am alone... I try to cover it so much that the majority of time... I can't even deal with it when I need to. And in no time... I am void of feeling.... emotionally detached. I don't want to be.... Infact there are times that I really want to be with someone that can mentally stimulate me... or even just sit in silence... and stare at the lights in the distance. I want to know that someone else can appreciate the same things I do. Im not a big fan of affection... I will avoid it at any cost. Feel honoured if I give you the time of day.... feel special if I ever offer a hug.... If i tell you I love you ... I think I do... but not the kind of love believed for one person... I don't believe in such a thing.... Its the kind of love reserved for those people who I respect and adore, who have made an impact on me... and as shallow as it really is... there are few of you. I don't want to be this shallow... I want to be able to appreciate people, and feel comfortable with them.. I want to stop over thinking every conversation, and situation... and not have rehearsed my response. I want to feel what other people feel... and see what other people see, be able to appreciate a hug from someone I adore, without feeling like it is an evasion of space. What is it others see in holding someone else? When I'm angry.. I want to run , and do something destructive, when I'm sleeping... I want to be alone, when I am with someone, I am afraid, I'm not worthey of your affection, and when I cry, I dont want to be here at all.
I want to feel something.... in the company of someone else... rather than looking for some form of comfort and happiness in a dream.
He doesn't think he could live on his own.... What is it you're afraid of ???
This afternoon he finally mentioned something a little deeper than our usual Banter... and I appreciate it. Not just the fact that he *did* finally mention something with a little substance... but because it was the complete opposite to myself... which opened up my mind a little more.
It surprised me .... for an outgoing and popular kind of guy... he is rather dependant of others. Suggested he could not live alone. It really made me think. Only a week ago I was thinking about the conversation I would have with someone who thought that. I thought If i just explained how good it is to live on your own, independently and rediscover your own personality and passions, that they would instantly see how easy it is. But my shallow mind really doesn't see any possitive in living with others... Maybe I am afraid of living with people, in the same way that he is afraid to live on his own. Its a comfort to him..... not necessarily having to be with the person all of the time... but just being there... if he did want to talk etc. I find it stressful. I feel I have to pretend to be someone.. I can't just be me. Its draining... really draining. And so I shut off and hide away from people. They can't see the darker side of me... the angry, agressive, unstable and confused me, what would they really think? Every now and then they will see a little slice of anger or frustration.. but its usally hidden again as quickly as it is found. Even when I am alone... I try to cover it so much that the majority of time... I can't even deal with it when I need to. And in no time... I am void of feeling.... emotionally detached. I don't want to be.... Infact there are times that I really want to be with someone that can mentally stimulate me... or even just sit in silence... and stare at the lights in the distance. I want to know that someone else can appreciate the same things I do. Im not a big fan of affection... I will avoid it at any cost. Feel honoured if I give you the time of day.... feel special if I ever offer a hug.... If i tell you I love you ... I think I do... but not the kind of love believed for one person... I don't believe in such a thing.... Its the kind of love reserved for those people who I respect and adore, who have made an impact on me... and as shallow as it really is... there are few of you. I don't want to be this shallow... I want to be able to appreciate people, and feel comfortable with them.. I want to stop over thinking every conversation, and situation... and not have rehearsed my response. I want to feel what other people feel... and see what other people see, be able to appreciate a hug from someone I adore, without feeling like it is an evasion of space. What is it others see in holding someone else? When I'm angry.. I want to run , and do something destructive, when I'm sleeping... I want to be alone, when I am with someone, I am afraid, I'm not worthey of your affection, and when I cry, I dont want to be here at all.
I want to feel something.... in the company of someone else... rather than looking for some form of comfort and happiness in a dream.
He doesn't think he could live on his own.... What is it you're afraid of ???
Sunday, October 12, 2008
12.10.08 ..........Not yet
My over analytical mind cranks over again, just like machinery. The pistons , one the logical.... the other the conspiracist side of me, contradicting each others completely possible sense of reality. Why did someone drive by in your car, very late last night, before turning into your street... it seems out of character, for the situation.
Our conversation just 3 days ago... and your message today. Ofcourse we will catch up soon.... won't we? I want to know all about it, and take that journey with you as your memories tell a story. I want to laugh with you, and cry with you and just sit in silence with you.
But I don't want to tell you what you mean to me, it makes it all seem too definite........but I hope you know already....you do, don't you?
I need more time, to find a way to show you.
I'm not in denial...... I'm just not ready to accept.
...
Our conversation just 3 days ago... and your message today. Ofcourse we will catch up soon.... won't we? I want to know all about it, and take that journey with you as your memories tell a story. I want to laugh with you, and cry with you and just sit in silence with you.
But I don't want to tell you what you mean to me, it makes it all seem too definite........but I hope you know already....you do, don't you?
I need more time, to find a way to show you.
I'm not in denial...... I'm just not ready to accept.
...
Saturday, September 27, 2008
27.09.08 Ahhh what a loser.
There really is nothing funnier than laughter!
Generally, if I tell a story, I will embellish a little on the finer details, to add a little comedy. ( I am told this is a 'hyperbole') . But there really is nothing funnier than telling a story, and realising you don't need to exagerate on the details, because the story itself is funny, even if by accident.
Tonight I went to a dinner party with a friend I havn't seen for a while... and also the Artist I manage. ( though.. I like to refer to him as my client... (again hyperbole!) so that it sounds more official) I havn't caught up with him for some time, due to a lack of time recently... and when telling him of my recent antics.. I realised just how pathetic I really am!!
Before he started dating his girlfriend, we used to be good mates and hang out alot. Tonight he reminded me how the last time we actually hung out I was saying how I dislike people... and didn't want friends... occasional acquaintances are ok, but friends are too much hard work.. they have expectations, and want to talk about 'real' things. YUK! Back then he thought I was shallow... . *chortle*
So whats changed?? .........Nothing. I still dont like people, I still don't want friends... and yet now I try soooo hard to impress people... by being someone I'm not.
1) There was the short term crush on the 50something year old that walked into work with geeky black framed glasses. *swoon*
2) There was the stunning buisnessman at the pub. *swoon*
3) Then there is the ongoing attempt to impress my trainer at the gym. If I go to the gym after work, i will actually sit in my office for 20 mins straightening my hair before I go... and make sure I smell of my favourite YvesSaintLauren perfume... and I practise my cute little expressions in the mirror before I go. ( on the slight possibility that he will be working at the time).
4) The 45 mins I spent parked on the side of the road, posing and taking photos of myself sitting in my car.. just to try to get one semi-decent photo!! Pulling so many faces.. and so many of my little 'cute expressions' .
5) Then, there was the $250 outfit I bought , just to impress a supplier (that I had never met) at a semi-social lunch meeting. Not because I wanted to try to win him over, but merely because I pretend to be so cool, when we chat on the phone, and needed to try to back that up! Im a jeans and hoodie kind of girl... not a black and white suit-like type ... and especially not a 'heels' kind of girl. And yet $200 on an outfit.. and $50 on a pair of freakin' heels! And to make matters worse.. I have a serious phobia of social situations.. that I forgot about .. untill ofcoarse he arrived, and opened his mouth! I was moody! I was indecisive! I couldn't sit, and I sure as hell could not make eye contact! *chortle* What a fuckin' tool!
6) And then there was today..... Another Gym story ! ..... this morning I got up early to get ready for the gym. I was in a good mood and made sure my hair was straightened and slightly rocky... yet still cute. ... I got to the gym and he was there. YAY!! So I pretend to be really into the whole exercise thing... whilst trying not to let him see me looking at him! *wink* But by the time I actually got to converse with him... I was sweaty, smelly, and looking like a skank!! To make matters worse.. I wore a white shirt... and because I dyed my hair on Thursday... Dye ran from my hair.. all over my shirt collar. So much for playing it cool!! I mocked him as I usually do.... whilst subtitly complimenting him also. YAY for his cheeky smile! And yay for him working again tomorrow. Though this time.. I'm detirmined to make an effort not to speak with him.. I have to pretend I dont think he is stunning!
Is there really anything more pathetic than I am ?!?!?
Driving home from the dinner party tonight I realised.. though I may be stressed , a little mental, and quite possibly shallow, as Cam suggested.... If I was not to wake tomorrow ... That is ok... because today I laughed, at myself none-the-less.. but I laughed.
And whether its selfish, self absorbed or just plain shallow.... I like the person I am .. and my weird weird pathetic nature... and hell ... if others can laugh at it... or find it adorable... well then all the better. One day I might be normal... and actually be able to back up my personality with a decent or mature look.... but for now.... I have to keep trying to win people over with my daggy little antics!!
Later.....
*pose*
Generally, if I tell a story, I will embellish a little on the finer details, to add a little comedy. ( I am told this is a 'hyperbole') . But there really is nothing funnier than telling a story, and realising you don't need to exagerate on the details, because the story itself is funny, even if by accident.
Tonight I went to a dinner party with a friend I havn't seen for a while... and also the Artist I manage. ( though.. I like to refer to him as my client... (again hyperbole!) so that it sounds more official) I havn't caught up with him for some time, due to a lack of time recently... and when telling him of my recent antics.. I realised just how pathetic I really am!!
Before he started dating his girlfriend, we used to be good mates and hang out alot. Tonight he reminded me how the last time we actually hung out I was saying how I dislike people... and didn't want friends... occasional acquaintances are ok, but friends are too much hard work.. they have expectations, and want to talk about 'real' things. YUK! Back then he thought I was shallow... . *chortle*
So whats changed?? .........Nothing. I still dont like people, I still don't want friends... and yet now I try soooo hard to impress people... by being someone I'm not.
1) There was the short term crush on the 50something year old that walked into work with geeky black framed glasses. *swoon*
2) There was the stunning buisnessman at the pub. *swoon*
3) Then there is the ongoing attempt to impress my trainer at the gym. If I go to the gym after work, i will actually sit in my office for 20 mins straightening my hair before I go... and make sure I smell of my favourite YvesSaintLauren perfume... and I practise my cute little expressions in the mirror before I go. ( on the slight possibility that he will be working at the time).
4) The 45 mins I spent parked on the side of the road, posing and taking photos of myself sitting in my car.. just to try to get one semi-decent photo!! Pulling so many faces.. and so many of my little 'cute expressions' .
5) Then, there was the $250 outfit I bought , just to impress a supplier (that I had never met) at a semi-social lunch meeting. Not because I wanted to try to win him over, but merely because I pretend to be so cool, when we chat on the phone, and needed to try to back that up! Im a jeans and hoodie kind of girl... not a black and white suit-like type ... and especially not a 'heels' kind of girl. And yet $200 on an outfit.. and $50 on a pair of freakin' heels! And to make matters worse.. I have a serious phobia of social situations.. that I forgot about .. untill ofcoarse he arrived, and opened his mouth! I was moody! I was indecisive! I couldn't sit, and I sure as hell could not make eye contact! *chortle* What a fuckin' tool!
6) And then there was today..... Another Gym story ! ..... this morning I got up early to get ready for the gym. I was in a good mood and made sure my hair was straightened and slightly rocky... yet still cute. ... I got to the gym and he was there. YAY!! So I pretend to be really into the whole exercise thing... whilst trying not to let him see me looking at him! *wink* But by the time I actually got to converse with him... I was sweaty, smelly, and looking like a skank!! To make matters worse.. I wore a white shirt... and because I dyed my hair on Thursday... Dye ran from my hair.. all over my shirt collar. So much for playing it cool!! I mocked him as I usually do.... whilst subtitly complimenting him also. YAY for his cheeky smile! And yay for him working again tomorrow. Though this time.. I'm detirmined to make an effort not to speak with him.. I have to pretend I dont think he is stunning!
Is there really anything more pathetic than I am ?!?!?
Driving home from the dinner party tonight I realised.. though I may be stressed , a little mental, and quite possibly shallow, as Cam suggested.... If I was not to wake tomorrow ... That is ok... because today I laughed, at myself none-the-less.. but I laughed.
And whether its selfish, self absorbed or just plain shallow.... I like the person I am .. and my weird weird pathetic nature... and hell ... if others can laugh at it... or find it adorable... well then all the better. One day I might be normal... and actually be able to back up my personality with a decent or mature look.... but for now.... I have to keep trying to win people over with my daggy little antics!!
Later.....
*pose*
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
24.09.08 FUCK YOU
God damn!! Stupid people !! They have managed to turn something I love so much into something I loath!! Master manipulators !!! I feel selfish for wanting more !!
And fuck gorgeous people too.... you all suck. Your confidence and happiness make me jealous and bitter...
And fuck gorgeous people too.... you all suck. Your confidence and happiness make me jealous and bitter...
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