Again.... I can't do it. So many opportunities, so many chances.. and I still can't do it. I'd rather not attempt, than attempt and possibly disappoint. I want him to think I am capable, and just didn't have the time... and not that I am afraid of letting him down.
I would ask them for help, but they don't understand it, and I don't want *him* to know I am still trying.. after *he* told me not to.
I can't win this one... regardless of what i do... *he* wins.
If I don't do it.... *he* wins... *he* got his way again.
If I do do it.. *he* will tell me it's because *he* told me not too and *he* knew I would try to prove *him* wrong in his theory.
If I do .. and I fail... *he* wins again... *he* was right all along.
I made a promise, to a man that I adore... that I would let nothing get in the way, especially *him*, but now I have let us both down ... ..... ....... ....... ....... ....... Im Sorry!!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
20.10.08 My Shallow Hell
I have spoken to a new friend of mine every work day for the past 2 months. I look forward to his calls and emails... they are a distraction from the the monotonous personalities I am too familiar with. It's not that I don't like the people... It's just that I know them... I'm not surprised by them anymore.. I can pre-empt the conversation. I don't necessarily dismiss those people... but I sure as hell don't make the effort ... what is the point... catching up with people should be pleasant... something you look forward to .... not a chore.
This afternoon he finally mentioned something a little deeper than our usual Banter... and I appreciate it. Not just the fact that he *did* finally mention something with a little substance... but because it was the complete opposite to myself... which opened up my mind a little more.
It surprised me .... for an outgoing and popular kind of guy... he is rather dependant of others. Suggested he could not live alone. It really made me think. Only a week ago I was thinking about the conversation I would have with someone who thought that. I thought If i just explained how good it is to live on your own, independently and rediscover your own personality and passions, that they would instantly see how easy it is. But my shallow mind really doesn't see any possitive in living with others... Maybe I am afraid of living with people, in the same way that he is afraid to live on his own. Its a comfort to him..... not necessarily having to be with the person all of the time... but just being there... if he did want to talk etc. I find it stressful. I feel I have to pretend to be someone.. I can't just be me. Its draining... really draining. And so I shut off and hide away from people. They can't see the darker side of me... the angry, agressive, unstable and confused me, what would they really think? Every now and then they will see a little slice of anger or frustration.. but its usally hidden again as quickly as it is found. Even when I am alone... I try to cover it so much that the majority of time... I can't even deal with it when I need to. And in no time... I am void of feeling.... emotionally detached. I don't want to be.... Infact there are times that I really want to be with someone that can mentally stimulate me... or even just sit in silence... and stare at the lights in the distance. I want to know that someone else can appreciate the same things I do. Im not a big fan of affection... I will avoid it at any cost. Feel honoured if I give you the time of day.... feel special if I ever offer a hug.... If i tell you I love you ... I think I do... but not the kind of love believed for one person... I don't believe in such a thing.... Its the kind of love reserved for those people who I respect and adore, who have made an impact on me... and as shallow as it really is... there are few of you. I don't want to be this shallow... I want to be able to appreciate people, and feel comfortable with them.. I want to stop over thinking every conversation, and situation... and not have rehearsed my response. I want to feel what other people feel... and see what other people see, be able to appreciate a hug from someone I adore, without feeling like it is an evasion of space. What is it others see in holding someone else? When I'm angry.. I want to run , and do something destructive, when I'm sleeping... I want to be alone, when I am with someone, I am afraid, I'm not worthey of your affection, and when I cry, I dont want to be here at all.
I want to feel something.... in the company of someone else... rather than looking for some form of comfort and happiness in a dream.
He doesn't think he could live on his own.... What is it you're afraid of ???
This afternoon he finally mentioned something a little deeper than our usual Banter... and I appreciate it. Not just the fact that he *did* finally mention something with a little substance... but because it was the complete opposite to myself... which opened up my mind a little more.
It surprised me .... for an outgoing and popular kind of guy... he is rather dependant of others. Suggested he could not live alone. It really made me think. Only a week ago I was thinking about the conversation I would have with someone who thought that. I thought If i just explained how good it is to live on your own, independently and rediscover your own personality and passions, that they would instantly see how easy it is. But my shallow mind really doesn't see any possitive in living with others... Maybe I am afraid of living with people, in the same way that he is afraid to live on his own. Its a comfort to him..... not necessarily having to be with the person all of the time... but just being there... if he did want to talk etc. I find it stressful. I feel I have to pretend to be someone.. I can't just be me. Its draining... really draining. And so I shut off and hide away from people. They can't see the darker side of me... the angry, agressive, unstable and confused me, what would they really think? Every now and then they will see a little slice of anger or frustration.. but its usally hidden again as quickly as it is found. Even when I am alone... I try to cover it so much that the majority of time... I can't even deal with it when I need to. And in no time... I am void of feeling.... emotionally detached. I don't want to be.... Infact there are times that I really want to be with someone that can mentally stimulate me... or even just sit in silence... and stare at the lights in the distance. I want to know that someone else can appreciate the same things I do. Im not a big fan of affection... I will avoid it at any cost. Feel honoured if I give you the time of day.... feel special if I ever offer a hug.... If i tell you I love you ... I think I do... but not the kind of love believed for one person... I don't believe in such a thing.... Its the kind of love reserved for those people who I respect and adore, who have made an impact on me... and as shallow as it really is... there are few of you. I don't want to be this shallow... I want to be able to appreciate people, and feel comfortable with them.. I want to stop over thinking every conversation, and situation... and not have rehearsed my response. I want to feel what other people feel... and see what other people see, be able to appreciate a hug from someone I adore, without feeling like it is an evasion of space. What is it others see in holding someone else? When I'm angry.. I want to run , and do something destructive, when I'm sleeping... I want to be alone, when I am with someone, I am afraid, I'm not worthey of your affection, and when I cry, I dont want to be here at all.
I want to feel something.... in the company of someone else... rather than looking for some form of comfort and happiness in a dream.
He doesn't think he could live on his own.... What is it you're afraid of ???
Sunday, October 12, 2008
12.10.08 ..........Not yet
My over analytical mind cranks over again, just like machinery. The pistons , one the logical.... the other the conspiracist side of me, contradicting each others completely possible sense of reality. Why did someone drive by in your car, very late last night, before turning into your street... it seems out of character, for the situation.
Our conversation just 3 days ago... and your message today. Ofcourse we will catch up soon.... won't we? I want to know all about it, and take that journey with you as your memories tell a story. I want to laugh with you, and cry with you and just sit in silence with you.
But I don't want to tell you what you mean to me, it makes it all seem too definite........but I hope you know already....you do, don't you?
I need more time, to find a way to show you.
I'm not in denial...... I'm just not ready to accept.
...
Our conversation just 3 days ago... and your message today. Ofcourse we will catch up soon.... won't we? I want to know all about it, and take that journey with you as your memories tell a story. I want to laugh with you, and cry with you and just sit in silence with you.
But I don't want to tell you what you mean to me, it makes it all seem too definite........but I hope you know already....you do, don't you?
I need more time, to find a way to show you.
I'm not in denial...... I'm just not ready to accept.
...
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