14.09.08 To my mentor

So I spoke to you this last week, you were chipper and almost like the old you. It was good to hear energy and life in your voice for the 30 minutes or so that we spoke. I miss you, and your bastadly sarcastic tongue in cheek critisism!! You are the best boss anyone could ask for! Sarcastic, Smart-arsed, cheeky and never wrong thats for sure.. It was always my fault... and I loved it. Even though you were having a good day.. the reality is harsh... It is merely a good day.. amongst many horrible days. You tell me you don't think you will make it to see Christmas... today I struggle to believe it... because you sound like the old you. I expect you will walk through the door any minute and tell me stories of your weekend just passed, Which of your daughters you decided to stir up this weekend... and how they were not talking to you anymore. You would pretend you didn't care and it was all their fault.. in that jokular manner you have.... but I knew you were emailing them as we chatted, just to apologise... and then stir them some more. You love it, and deep down.. so do they. I dont want you to think that I am not dealing with it.. so I hold it together on the phone, my replies vague, but honest. I am not going to tell you how if you just 'Stay positive' you can get through this... the next person who says that to me ... i will fucking snap their necks!!!!!!!! What is happening to you can't be changed... it can't be cured... yet I can't accept it either. I always try to end our convos in a positive light...we chuckle and say goodbye. I hang up the phone and hope like hell that there will be another chance to speak to you... then I loose it BIG TIME.. but I will never let you know that.
I have always had an incredible ability to repress, dismiss and deny any emotion I feel. Half of the time I dont even think I feel anything at all.... I can identify the emotion i *should* feel... but it is so far out of reach that it seems ridiculous. I am the most emotionally detached person i know. I am constantly told its not healthy and I need to deal with these feelings.... yet most of the time i can't even recognise that there are feelings... hense the whole psychologist visits a year or so ago. But you are different. I am not going to let myself dismiss and forget you to avoid the hurt.... and boy does it fucking hurt. I'm scared that If i go through my usual coping mechanisms I will forget you all together. It's too easy for me... For the first few months I did the whole dismiss and deny things.... and then when I decided that was stupid I tried to regain all that I had surpressed... but to no avail...... Unless of course there was vodka. ( and not the usual kind... but the Russian.. the good stuff) . And so now Vodka and I have signed the peace treaty, and we are now friends. It is one thing to have others ask me if *I* think that you will see Christmas... because I can see the good in their hearts..... but it is a whole different thing to hear *you* say that you don't think you will make it.
I spoke to you again this morning... I try to ignore what you told me last week.. pretend its not really fact.. ( again... dismiss and deny) but then I realise I have to come to terms with the possibility. But today its harder... your health is deteirierating so rapidly, that I don't have the time to allow my head to accept what we last spoke about, before things change again. We rant about the price of grapes, and how mangos are not yet in season. Fuckin' mangos... what right do they think they have .. honestly!! I can hear in your voice that you are unsre about telling me what you are about to tell me... but I know that you also want to tell me.. because you think that I can handle the reality... and because the masses ask about you daily...
Your whole life has changed again... and beyond any control. 6 weeks?? That is what you predict?? And that is all you feel you have left. I almost want to ask how you come to that conclusion... but you , and only you, can really summerise how you feel. Yes Doctors can confirm that this is quite probable... but I don't want to think thats its true.... What will I do when you are gone? I look forward to chatting to you so much.... I am a giggly little school girl when your name flashes on my cell... and I generally do a little 'YAY!!! The boy!!!' dance. 6 weeks... Not only is that not Christmas........ but its not even November. Not even close. One part of me wants to to tell you that I want it to be longer... much much longer... but the more realistic me wants it to be tomorrow... because I dont want to see you suffer anymore. Although you try to hide alot of it.... I know that you are suffering, and you can't justify it anymore. Have you given up the will to live?? Fuck no... I know you would do anything to have your old world back... and see your girls marry, and meet your grandchildren.... but in reality, you and I both know that its not possible, and I commend your bravery.
I still have not found a way to be able to show you how much you mean to me... And although my previous few blog entires would suggest I have a thing for older men.. which sure.. in some instances, may be true..... Its never been like that with you... you stepped in as the father figure when I needed a good smack around the head... you would tease, mock and tell me off when I did stupid things... that we both knew were out of character. But the biggest thing you did for me.. was take a chance on someone you barely knew and gave me a way out of both a physical and mental situation I was in, and gave me ambition and aspiration again. For that I will make sure i do everything I can to be as good as you, and at the very least as respected as you.
For your sake.. I hope the suffering ends soon.... but in my own selfish way.. I'm not ready for that.
Tomorrow, depending on how you feel, I will see you and pretend that none of these thoughts exist... we will banter like usual and I will leave with you none-the-wiser.
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